Living Life: Bold and Underlined

"You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." ~C.S. Lewis

i have come to a point in my life where the unthinkable has occurred; that which i fathomed as impossible in my youth, that which i banked on and looked forward to has fallen out from under.

summer is not all fun and games anymore.

now don't misread me, please don't. i have highly enjoyed my break from classes. my internship is going swimmingly, what with the awesome people that i work with and the cool opportunities and experience i'm gaining. my job at the chapel on campus isn't terrible (a little boring, i might admit) and it's pulling in some cash for me to get through the summer on my own in springfield. younglife camp was phenomenal, filled with awesome time with my guys as we had one of the best weeks of our lives.

no, there as definitely been fun and games. just the other night my amazing housemates and i had a homemade pizza and milkshakes, studied Psalm 116, and watched the first harry potter. what i am saying, however, is that there is no cut and dry line anymore, where the three months in the middle of the year have certain magical properties that render perpetual joviality. while i have had enjoyable moments, i still feel strained at times. it doesn't make that much sense now that i'm typing it out, but i think it's this sense of living for the next best thing.

there's a song that goes "everybody's working for the weekend." we talked about that idea at leader retreat earlier in june. at the speaker made it abundantly clear what was wrong: "really? the weekend? that's what you're living your life for?"

i find myself always looking ahead to the next thing in line that i think will give me fulfillment. i live my summer by the intervals between camps and hanging out with friends and movie nights and all that. how should i expect to live my life to the full in Christ when i'm so preoccupied with the next agenda coming down the line?

C.S. Lewis describes time in the context of our relationship with God, and he does it beautifully. in the screwtape letters, a demon is encouraged to make a man focus on either the past or the future. this is due to the fact that we have no control over either, yet they are appealing to the eye and let us either pine for the glory days or plan ahead and get a hold of life in some shape and form. God does not meet us in the past, nor the future. God's presence dwells in the present. we have to live now, today, with what God provides. looking anywhere else in the timeline, except perhaps eternity, distracts and hinders us. then again, Lewis attributes the present with a quality that neither past nor future holds: eternity intersects the timeline at the present moment. right now, as i type this, i am getting small wafts and tastes of what it means to truly live. why do i look behind or ahead for something better?

the other week, i was swindled out of $60 from a guy that approached me in meijer. we talked about springfield and cincinnati, about local churches and wittenberg campus life, about his three daughters that he was supposedly supporting, about how he was laid off until the next week and just needed some money to get by this last week. he promised to repay me, gave me a time and a place to meet him. i drove him to his house, stood on the street and prayed with and for him. i felt betrayed, screwed over, and most of all taken advantage of in the name of my faith and good trust when i arrived to meet him and found that he had no affiliation with the place whatsoever. i shouldn't have been surprised.

i find myself brooding on this from time to time, how i could have used that money. the reality is, it's $60. who cares? that stuff doesn't last. i can't appreciate the now if i keep trying to somehow change the then just by lingering on it. and my future? i'm always worrying about what i'll do, where i'll go, who i'll marry, what my life will be like. why? i'm not adding a single hour to my life by doing so. i just can't seem to give God the life that's rightfully His: my life.

i am praying for God to help me live a life that takes place in the now, not two steps ahead of myself. i want to be genuine with people, truly listen, not wait for my turn to talk. i want to spend time with friends, not contemplating every single thing that occurs like it's a move on a chessboard. i want to live my life.

"I've been lost so long

I can barely see
Clawing halfway home
Hit the edge of Kansas City

One small swansong in my head across the ground
I was the chimes moving on through the wind
But every word was empty sound

Close your eyes, baby sleep
Float across the gentle sea
Every dream turning grey
Holds the promises of rain coming."

P.S. some afterthoughts:

*definitely digging Children 18:3's new album, Rain's A Comin'

*i have not done anything at work, and i'm getting paid $7+/hour. why do i deserve this?

*i'm going to a concert tonight, and like so many other times in my life, i've overcommited myself to two+ parties. should be interesting, but i just want to enjoy the time i have with them.

*i'm gonna be in a 4th of july parade tomorrow. driving a van and bumping radiou tunes. sweet.

an explanation of sorts

reverie (n): the condition of being lost in thought

flight (n): an act or instance of passing through the air by the use of wings; or, a brilliant, imaginative, or unrestrained exercise or display

this place is not my home. i am a sojourner, an exile, a wanderer. trying to live in the world while somehow not being of the world. i will use this outlet as a place for reflecting, sharing, contemplating, and word vomiting. i do not expect anyone to read this. this is for me.